Why do I struggle with my Awesomeness!

A friend of mine asked me this question this morning and I thought it was a perfect title. Why do I struggle with my awesomeness?

I don’t know why I struggle with my awesomeness, but I do. This past week I took the time to really think about 2021 and what were my accomplishments and I started to go in a spiral of looking at the negative instead of the positive and that turned into two days of depressing myself. Yesterday after work I was in this mood to do something crazy and adventurous. I usually get this feeling when I’m down because I know I need something to bring me back up. I couldn’t think of anything to do and that got me even more down to the point where I went into my room and started crying. It was in that crying that I knew I had a choice, I could stay in this moment or I could choose to look upward to a Jesus who has blessed me beyond belief and take my hubby out on a date. I’m realizing depression can somedays take you out, but there are other days I can choose. I stayed in bed for another twenty minutes crying, praying, and trying to remember scripture to get me out of my mood. The next thing I knew I was smiling again. I told Jason we are getting out of our comfy clothes and I was taking him out.

We ended up having a great night! We celebrated our wins in 2021 and ended up at a comedy show. I had never been to a comedy show and it was fun laughing together. Our wins this year included Jason creating two stickers that are super cute and amazing. Sorry, Jason, they are cute! He wants me to say they are manly and awesome! But the fish face is super cute. So proud of him. He has had this idea for about five years now and seeing it come to life is fun to watch! He has amazing goals for this year and I’m excited for him.

My wins are I have worked out more this year than ever before thanks to an amazing workout group that’s more than just a workout group. It’s a group of women working together on our mindset and being 1% better every day. My favorite part of the workout is the stretch session where Courtney helps start our mornings in the right mindset. There have been mornings that it feels like she is talking directly at me and I leave with happy tears and my mind ready to conquer the world. I have also upped my weights and I am now lifting 8 to 10-pound weights depending on the workout. I started the year taking a writing class which lead to writing this blog and finishing a rough draft of a children’s book that I can’t wait to finish this next year! I’m so proud of this blog. I don’t know if it reaches anyone really, but I love writing and I can feel myself getting better every time I write one.

This year I also started working on myself. I started seeing a counselor who has helped me conquer some big stuff in my life. Depression, shame, guilt, and many other things that I’ve held on the inside for so many years. She has helped me realize I am not alone in these struggles. She has helped me talk out this crazy stuff in my brain and I had no idea how much I needed that. If you are struggling to ask for help I hope you realize it's not a bad thing. In fact, it’s actually a great thing because it shows that you are growing and ready to start working on yourself. I prayed for so long about going by myself to counseling and was super scary opening up to a stranger, but it gets easier. It has helped in all areas of my life. Jason and I are closer than ever because it helped me also open up to him more about things. It’s helped our communication and intimacy in a way I prayed it would.

I would have to say the biggest win this year for me was my relationship with Jesus. This year I really focused on digging deeper into the bible. I’ve actually finished two bible studies which if I’m honest I’ve never been able to finish one fully. I always start one but never finish. To finish two feels amazing. I made it a goal to finish one because I want to start my own bible study in my home this year and I knew if I couldn’t actually finish one why did I think I could start my own. LOL But guess what I did it and I’m excited to see where God leads me in starting my own. Again writing that for people to hear is scary because then it makes it real. Telling people your goals is also life-changing because hopefully, they will hold you accountable for making and helping those goals come true.

I guess what I am saying is if you are on the struggle bus like I was this week looking back, take a moment, and really write down what you did. You will surprise yourself with how the little things you don’t think matter really does create bigger and better moments. Those little things we do every day add up to so much more. Live today fully and always look up because the master who created the birds and sunshine also created you! He has created us so that we will also look up and know how amazing He is! While we are in the process of growth and finding who we are let’s continue to look up. Because it’s when we look up that we see how big this world actually is and yet He loves us enough to place us right in the middle of it. His plans are way bigger than we can imagine so as we step into 2022 let’s take one step closer to being awesome at who He created us to be!

Always Smile,

Michelle